Ukraine to be fast-tracked to EU membership?

A news release that’s today been brought to my attention.

Ukraine is set to be offered EU membership by the end of the decade, according to a leaked memo from Berlaymont. The change of heart happened after high-ranking Brussels officials said that ‘when they looked into their eyes, they believed in the sincerity of the country’s reforms’. The EU is apparently so impressed by Ukraine’s efforts in cleaning up corruption, the rule of law, and bringing stability that they are ready to offer Kiev an unprecedented promise of fast-track membership. Progress on the free trade agreement with the EU has stormed ahead and the Eastern European ‘tiger economy’ shows no signs of slowing. “We simply cannot ignore the progress they have made”, said an unnamed Brussels source. “We could do with some of that stability here in Brussels”, he added. It is thought that the allure of Ukraine’s fields of wheat, steel mills and horilka was just too good for the supranational body to turn down.

There had been fears that the EU was suffering from ‘enlargement fatigue’ with too many members, but the EU plans to solve this by expelling Greece from the union. That country also faces expulsion from NATO if it does not change its name, as US authorities have apparently deemed the name too similar to that of the 1971 musical Grease, and fear a loss of revenue from intellectual property rights.

The accession process will be a streamlined version of the one that former communist countries have previously undergone. The famous acquis communautaire will be replaced by non-binding promises of reform and traditional accession negotiations will be replaced by demands and banging fists on the table. As part of the process, negotiators will occasionally be allowed to travel to Brussels if they’ve behaved themselves and don’t drink too many Mort Subites on nights out while they’re over there. They will travel visa free but will be given Mastercards to cover any unnecessary extravagances. In preparation for Ukraine’s membership, Members of the European Parliament will be issued with gym membership and running shoes as, as one MEP admitted, running round pressing the voting buttons in a chamber of that size will be ‘quite a task’. They will also expand the Commission’s Gentlemen’s Club as they won’t be bringing any women with them, apart from the standard concubines. Facilities for the elderly will also be expanded, including zimmer frames for senior Ukrainian politicians.

There is some disappointment that Ukraine will not be joining the union of Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan and the other Chinese frontier provinces, but provision of warm blankets and cups of hot cocoa for the winter will form part of the EU’s pre-accession aid package and should do the trick on those chilly winter nights when the gas is switched off. Further funding will also be made available for a construction site and associated partially-completed facilities for the European Fuss Ball Championships due to be held sometime in the near future but we’ve still got a couple of years or so left, haven’t we? “They pretend to pay us and we pretend to host the tournament”, said the head of the organising committee with a smile.

Upon accession, Ukrainians will be one step ahead of their EU brethren, having left school one year earlier. It has been agreed that school textbooks will be EU-friendly, omitting painful chapters such as the Cold War, the EU constitution and the accession of Greece. After all, there’s no point in people making themselves upset for nothing. In addition to Ukrainian, Bollocks will be made a second state language as apparently a majority of the ruling classes in the country actually talk Bollocks.